Canadian Metal (LOL)

Canadian Metal (What a Shitshow).
Canadian Metal – What a Shitshow.

Canadian metal is the kind of music that’s so inherently worthless that it has to have a cult following.

Gorguts, Cryptopsy, Kataklysm, Cynic, Conqueror, Revenge, Pantera, Blasphemy? Since when did heavy metal become a garbage disposal for failed glam rock turned Suffocation-clone faggllouts?

Canadian metal is a fucking retard beer metal “genre” for people whose sole political opinion is that it should be okay to say “it’s snowing chocolate” in public while using your colored tar sands money to buy every male sex toy on the Amazon wish list of the tranny you fantasize about proposing to over while watching the type of scat pornography that Watain frontman Erik Danielsson’s sister is known to perform in and choking down the “chocolate rain” like it’s maple syrup.

Going to have to wash my ears with some Phantom Metal after listening to garbage like 3 Inches of (Menstrual) Blood.

The Canadian metal “scene” is such a disaster that a short, pudgy, middle-aged bald guy can prance onstage in the gas mask he gets flogged in on Friday nights to try to score a Hepatitis C infection from a leaning on forty something industrial goth fan with facial piercings, prosthetic breasts and neck tattoos.

The typical Canadian Metal fan.
The typical Canadian Metal fan.

Him fucking up the two to three chord bouncy chug rock riffs as he was deep throated to tears by his lumberjack girlfriend in the toilets right before the set won’t matter as long as he can make the noise Justin Trudeau’s transgender husband makes during medically assisted childbirth while shouting out how he is a “totally unfuckwithable” member of the Antifascist militia even though his sole goal for the night is to eat out a “woman” who would be considered a hideous health hazard even on a High Arctic research station.

Here’s a hot take: Canadian metal sucks, and the “scene” is predominately funded by disability checks and construction money. Even Warkvlt, in their glorious lyrical imbecility, purvey the spirit of warfare better than all these bestiality-minded, breakdown-loving, pig-fucker bands.

Hey man check out my Canadian metal album! I decided I wanted it to sound like how my non-binary girlfriend’s phallus tastes after he/she/it gets done working on oil rigs. Maybe if we go big playing this totally boring style where we write three new bouncy Suffocation riffs in our whole careers, I can get with more fat dysfunctional metal chicks with cow tits melting over their fat guts obscuring their groin acne because we’re BR00TAL man.” – Justin Trudeau/Lord Worm.

2 thoughts on “Canadian Metal (LOL)

  1. Only about 0.1% of canada metal fags are the real deal. They are so fucking insecure they wouldn’t even go within 20 feet of a tranny, let alone sodomize the butt for fear of feeling gay! They don’t actually have any room in their studio apartments in vancouver for army rations, pentagrams and gas masks because the shemale girlfriend don’t wanna ruin the feng shui of the living room with their slipknot and rob zombie movie posters. Canada metal artist has to sacrifice to be allowed to watch the montreal alouettes during football season and get rested up from his apprentice laborer gig sweeping floors in shell canada control rooms.

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    1. Speaking of homosexuality, how can fucking men even be gay? It’s really quite tough to want a bloke to fuck you in the ass?! Compare that with some fag who likes soft skin and luscious curves. Now that’s gay.

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