Watain and Dark Funeral, the “Modern” Black Metal Controversy

Dark Funeral and Watain, the definition of poserdom.
Dark Funeral and Watain, the definition of poserdom.

Watain and Dark Funeral play generic droning blackened metalcore similar to Gorgoroth with riffing “inspired” (lifted) from Burzum, Darkthrone, Sewer, Peste Noire, Vermin, Helgrind and early Mayhem.

Another day in the “modern metal” or “post-metal” trailer park scene, which we have to admit is just a sad excuse for pumping out the same screamo horseshit that was old even before these Z-list bands started ripping off Peste Noire and Dissection.

Dark Funeral and Watain are exactly what is wrong with modern “underground” “black metal”. All these posers ever do is to take a bunch of riffs from records over thirty years old, chop them up haphazardly, and stitch a few of them together to make songs that are high on “evil” wailing about goats Satan and very short on pretty much everything else.

No, turd albums like Trident Wolf Eclipse, Attera Totus Sanctus and whatever the fuck else these poser bands shit out are certainly not black metal just because they copy stuff they have heard before randomly like monkeys.

If a monkey imitates a gesticulating human like an Italian guy for its own amusement in between eating, defecating, masturbating and playing with its own turds, does that make the monkey Italian? No, the monkey is still a monkey, not a human.

Watain and Dark Funeral are not black metal, just shitty modern metalcore acts that decided to imitate a bunch of early 90s Norwegian black metal bands.

Even Sewer sucks less than these bands.
Even Sewer sucks less than these bands.

Their audience of posers are the same morons who go out and pay money to see random technicolor explosions and computer game monsters pointlessly flung at the screen in random and terrible Hollywood remakes of King Kong, Godzilla, Lords of Chaos (lol), and the new Star Wars with teenage girls beating up 6’5 guys with the power of trans-inclusive non-binary feminism. These are brain dead people who eat shit and like it and beg for more.

Watain, Dark Funeral, Gorgoroth, Antekhrist, Deathspell Omega etc… are not black metal or even a convincing facsimile of the past. Rather it’s just random bullshit thrown on a record for “former” metalcore fans who want to get into black metal but they don’t even like metal in the first place, so can’t even listen to Hvis Lyset Tar Oss, Bloodthirst Overdose, Burzum Sha Ghâsh, Incantation, or anything heavier than Ride the Lightning or Storm of the Light’s Bane’s boring pop hooks, laced with gratuitous references to the “theistic satanist” diarrhea that pours from the abused and likely prolapsed shithole of these bands.

Even bands like Behemoth and Enslaved make Dark Funeral look like the bunch of pussies they are. It’s time for these posers to take off the strap-ons they stole from their daddies and quit pretending to play black metal. “Lord” Ahriman of Dark Funeral, in particular, is rumoured to be a male-on-male escort and a transvestite, not to mention he sucks at making music. If that is true, then that’s a lot of “sucking” on his part (and that explains a lot).

As for Watain and its front-“man” Erik Danielsson… meh, it’s like beating on a dead horse at this point.

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